Unnecessary

Around New Years I was watching a special on CNBC about how the crack staff of financial figured out how the financial collapse of 2008 happened...after they reported it. The only person who came off as not being happy to be a part of such a disaster was Jim Cramer, the Nostradamus of Wall Street. Just prior to commercial breaks CNBC would have a CEO (of companies not responsible for opening the cap to a septic tank and placing our economy directly into it) use one word to define 2008. The summation words included "challenging", "difficult", "unprecedented", "monkey-taint", "fucktart", etc. Okay so they didn't use the f-bomb. Should I have been asked I would have said unnecessary. My choice would have been based not only on a description of the economic downfall but also the self descriptor I am developing while searching for employment in this job market. So we will explore what is most Uncouraging about finding a job in the jobless market.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS?
So I have set out to find a job, not even a good job, any job. I try to remember that sometimes these things are journies we need to take. You could call this a journey only if you were a masochist. Imagine if Columbus set out to discover future tourism based economies and the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria were canoes. It is not so much that I can't find a job that has made me feel unnecessary. I understand jobs are increasingly hard to come by and my search will be difficult. It is the lack of reply, yea or nay, that has me taking in additional stress and feeding it, bathing it, and clothing it. Am I taking the lack of reply too hard? Should I make peace with the fact that these employers are just not that into me? The answer is no. It is f'in rude to not reply to someone seeking employment. Even if their resume is a joke to you let the applicant know you got their crapsume and you aren't what they're looking for or you gave the job to someone else. No communication only makes me assume that I should have printed my resume and cover letter on Quilted Northern. Overqualified, underqualified, anything will do, just an answer. The probable reason, at least I hope (and it's sad that I hope this) is that the person who usually responds to employment applicants was laid off.

THE QUESTIONNAIRE
By my best guess 6 out of 10 of the jobs I have applied for require a questionnaire to be filled out. Granted some of the questionnaires were as simple as a few questions finding out if I had a reliable vehicle and could pass a drug test. The bulk of the questionnaires, however, warrant the arrest of whomever wrote them and those people whose answers red flagged their applications. I filled out a twenty-five page questionnaire for a job I wouldn't wish on a relocating Guantanamo Bay inmate. One might assume that the prospective employer is looking to find out quite a bit about you in 250 questions. One would assume incorrectly. Did they pluck randomly from Trivial Pursuit Totally 80's Edition cards? Nope. They used the same ten base questions per page repeated twenty-five times with slight word changes. To my surprise I found that although other companies had shorter questionnaires (not much shorter) the base questions and word changing ploy to confuse the reader and draw out a drug abuse or history of violence confession were consistent. That only makes me believe that people have failed at the questionnaire and not been given a job because of it. That anyone could screw up one of these things or be fooled by the wordsmith wizardry is so incredibly Uncouraging. This sequence showed up verbatim on a questionnaire I took recently:

Question 18. Before coming to work do you;
A. Use Marijuana and Methanphetomines
B. Use Crack Cocaine
C. Use Prescription Drugs that are not yours
D. Never use

Question 19. On your days off do you;
A. Use Marijuana and Methanphetomines
B. Use Prescription Drugs that aren't yours
C. Smoke Crack Cocaine
D. Never use

Question 20. To relieve stress at work do you;
A. Use Prescription drugs that are not yours
B. Smoke Crack Cocaine and Marijuana
C. Use Methanphetomines
D. Never use

That this string of questions continues with several different variations means that it the ploy has worked in getting a drug abuse answer out of an applicant. I think I understand Ted Kaczynski now. I may become the Questionnaire Bomber, seeking out all those who answered with anything other than D. I can only imagine someone being relieved because the questionnaire didn't put marijuana and prescription pills in the same answer. That these tests are seen as anything other than unnecessary means three things:
1. Illiteracy rates are much higher than one might think
2. Applicants are much higher than one might think
3. "I'm surrounded by idiots" is the most poignant statement of our time

JOB SEARCH FILTERING
The want ad has become the most depressing part of the job journey. Head hunters have become increasingly skilled at disguising the crapulence that is the occupation they offer. I am sure by now even the crack heads who answered (B) to Question 20 know to avoid the Outside Sales: $4,000,000+ first year potential ad or the Sell Crack from Home: We provide qualified leads you close the deal teaser. During my search, however, I did get suckered by a well written want ad. The add was for Verizon Inside Sales Reps needed for Fios launch in X County; base pay plus commission, benefits. I answered the ad and got a call back from HR setting up an interview. Even though I figured it to be a telecommunications based job, which suck, I thought getting in on a launch of such a well advertised service couldn't be too bad. As soon as I showed up at the interview address I applauded the ad writer. The dump of a building is home to a company that does door to door (you sell when you're Inside) selling of Fios on behalf of Verizon. The office looked like the Grinch had been there the night before leaving "only hooks and some wire." The main room was thick with fabricated ambition. I would come to find out the 'base pay' was a loosely provided $400. I say 'loosely' because it was training pay provided either over the first two weeks or first month. I say 'either' because the interviewer wasn't sure of which time frame the training pay was provided. I say 'wasn't sure' because there is no way in hell they give you the money, paultry a sum as it may be. Prior to my phony interview I took the liberty of a quick look at the sales board. This was a Wednesday and six of the seven man sales team had posted goose eggs for the previous two days. The interviewer then proceeds to tell me that his guys make three sales a day each. The thought running through my head the entire time was "his guys" probably failed a questionnaire or two before coming to work here.