10 For '09

I was thinking of using 9 for '09 but that sounded a bit Wraithy and Lord (of the Rings) knows we don't need to invoke any more nasties after '08. Let's face it, 2008 couldn't have ended any sooner. I was watching a special on one of the cable news networks and they had CEOs selecting one word to describe the year. Surprisingly not a one of them used "Uncouraging". Odd. In any case we have the luxury of bidding ado to 2008 and wonder what will 2009 bring. The Uncouragement presents ten predictions for 2009.

1. Look for a dramatic increase in the number of racially mixed children being born. Thanks to folks like Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, Halle Berry and the Prez-elect Barack Obama we now know what the winning formula is; forget a bun, you better have a marble cake in the oven.

2. In a bold move I will make a stock market prediction for 2009. It will go left to right. You thought I was going to use that tired up and down joke didn't you? Look, you'll probably have to suffer through at least six months of your holdings toggling between being worth jack and dick. If they hold strong at jack by the end of six months everything will be sorta better.

3. The forty year anniversary of the 'Summer of Love' will sadden old hippies everywhere as their teenage grandchildren steal their prescription pot.

4. Snoop Dogg and Ozzy Osbourne will release a wildly successful collaborative album called "Reality Dad". Song titles will include "Crazy Trizzle", "Gin and Massive Amounts of Drugs", "Bitch I'm Comin' Home" and "Oz Up, Hoes Down".

5. A real life Steve Nebraska (The Scout 1994) will be found in Sao Tome and Principe. The Yankees will offer him $4.1 billion over seven years, all guaranteed. A lifetime supply of Chicken McNuggets will serve as the signing bonus...turns out he's a Nuggnut.

6. Speech to text technology will be added to cellular phones allowing users to speak out their text messages before sending them. The ridiculousness of speaking a text message into a phone will be lost on almost everyone. Bluetooth and Speech to Text will ensure 'First Contact' will be avoided for another year as potential visitors will presume that humans are all talking to themselves.

7. With Bill Gates sort of out Microsoft will release the newest version of their operating system called Windows Glitch. The operating system will be based on a bit from The Simpsons in which Mr. Burns is found to have every disease known to man and they are getting in each others' way rendering them tenuously ineffective. Glitch will be marketed as being "indestructible".

8. A massive teacher strike will happen prior to then end of the '08-'09 school year. The explosive rage will be triggered by answers received to the essay question "Explain your position on Russia's invasion of Georgia". A large percentage of answers include initial concerns about family and friends that live in and around Atlanta and Savannah.

9. Due to popular demand and a little urging from President Obama the NCAA will finally create a football playoff system to determine the national champion. Ball State will be the only undefeated team in the country and still won't make the post season.

10. The 99% population tired of having their asses handed to them by the 1% will finally realize they have more than a slight advantage in numbers. Sadly the movement will stall when the unifying mass email will not be successfully delivered due to effective filtering. A crestfallen emoticon will mark the day in future calenders.