Ah Ye Privileged and Faithful !

Today is a day of greatness. The long since updated Uncouragement is back, and what an era of great uncouragement it is back for. Our leader has moved to Vermont and successfully found his position of joy and bliss doing the activity he loves, golfing. Wait a minute ... That's encouraging. Is it not?

But wait! One of his kin has moved to California in search of joy and bliss. And what of his success? Uncouragement! Follow young and wayward obi through his trials and tribulations of a mid-recession jobhunt. Be dazzled by stories and pictures alike. Be rattled to the core by the harshness of reality and its absurdity.

You were once privileged enough to know of past uncouragements. You were faithful in their absence. Today they have returned! Today IS a day of greatness, and great Uncouragement.

Stay tuned for the results of obi's late afternoon interview ...

March Madness

Have you ever been in your car and almost gotten into an accident due to a commercial giving you a small stroke? I had been stroke free until the other day when a commercial made me forget what I was doing and make a not so safe entry onto a busy highway. What commercial, radio commercial mind you, could have been so outrageous as to stymie my brain function? A March Madness sale, on vasectomies. Any advertisement promoting vasectomy procedures would have thrown me a bit, but this one was stunning. The entire ad drew a connection between the NCAA Basketball Tournament, nicknamed March Madness, and getting a discounted procedure to sterilize your baby makers. Basketballs and balls in your basket.

Having been in sales I am familiar with tried and true techniques to sell just about anything. One technique exploited by this ad was to create a sense of urgency. The funny part is what they decided was so urgent. "Get your appointment scheduled now so we can perform your vasectomy before the start of the tournament". Good thinking! Lord knows I don't want to have an ice pack on my crippled jewels during the Final Four. Then they suggest "Why not take the next few days recovering from your vasectomy watching the first couple rounds?" The first round is played over two days, Thursday and Friday. That's right, have an elective procedure in order to call out from work and be able to watch the opening round games. The true March Madness is that there will be a guy or two that will take advantage of this opportunity having never even considered a vasectomy prior to the ad.

The commercial's coup de grace, however, was what really drove a figurative nail into my mental coffin. "Call now to take advantage of this March Madness discount and LOWER YOUR SEED!" For those not familiar with the March Madness tournament, 64 teams are seeded in four sets of #1-#16. Your number is your seed. Thus completing the most bizarre ad correlation I have ever come across. I no longer listen to the radio.

Check Yo Self Fool

The most uncouraging thing I see in everyday life is our lack of continued evolution. As a subscriber to the theory that says it is possible for earth's creatures to adapt and advance I feel we humans have reached a pivotal moment. When we should be concerning ourselves with harnessing the use of more than 10% of our brain we seem satisfied to actually use less. I struggle to think of a location on Earth where this is more prevalent than the United Idiots of America. As we could readily see in the now defunct Human Stain Americans, on a daily basis, unevolving. We take good ideas, dumb them down and turn them into filth. My most recent proof of our collective mental block is Self Checkout.

I was in a store the other day (for reasons of anonymity let's just say it rhymes with Hall-Fart) and I had two gallons of organic milk, a humidifier and a replacement coat button (that I was able to get all of these things in one store is convenient, that I lacked the strength at the time to boycott an evil and socially destructive corporation for the sake of that convenience is a whole other blog post). There were twenty-some-odd register lanes of which only four were open. Stuffed into the open register lanes were single shoppers with multiple carts full of discount merchandise. Option two was the one open (of two possible) express lane. One look at the express lane and a simple equation popped into my head; 20 people x 10 items each = screwed. This left the Self Checkout occupied by eight people, sadly none of them using it correctly. People's brains seem to switch off when they enter the Self Checkout as if relying on the automation to to think for them. During my fifteen minutes in line I witnessed every bit of common sense, rule of etiquette or shred of civility dumped faster than my computer's Trash Can empties. I won't get into detail on my total experience, but I will offer up the following list of thoughts to improve something that should have been easily integrated into society and you'll get the picture.

1. Utilize All Of The Technology Available
This one is the most simple and therefore most egregious violation of common sense. If there are four Self Checkout machines on the premises how many should be turned on? Four! Unless broken anything less than four is so dumb I can't even begin...nope can't even begin. Is the machine on a freakin' break? Aw, is the little scanner powered by electricity tie-erred? Or does the mastermind at the ship's helm only have the capacity to stand and watch two people fail at operating simple machinery?
2. Self Checkout Has One Line
When you go to the bank there is that funny little rat maze they make you go through to establish your place in line. You know why they do this? So when the next teller becomes available the person at the front of the maze receives service. Then, stay with me now, when another teller becomes available the person who has assumed the lead position in line receives service. The assumption is that they were there first therefore they go first and there is a sense of order. This simple function is applied at ticket counters, the DMV, etc.. Then we get to the Self Checkout and apparently this basic idea is completely lost. People, without hesitation, will assume a position to be next at a particular check out machine they think offers them the quickest opportunity to scan their items. Do we need ropes? Seems that way. We have de-evolved to the point in which there is a need for a breed of dogs that herd us.
3. Self Checkout Is An Extension Of The Express Lane
There is no need, or should be no need, for a posted sign on this one. If you think for a minute the Self Checkout was supposed to be used for anything other than a few items you are denser than ironwood. Here's the breakdown:
A hand basket full or less - You get it More than 20 items - You're a bit of a jerk A shopping cart full - You're a dick Two shopping carts full (I've seen this) - You're the kind of asshole that deserves a public execusion
Self Checkout was designed to make transactions faster. Doing the job of both cashier and bagger makes things what class? SLOW-ERR. That's right kids.
4. There Should Be No Need For A Human Monitor
There are only two reasons for needing a person to watch people check themselves out and both suck. First, a certain percentage of people are inevitably going to require help. This is just sad. Scan, place in bag, pay. Operating this kind of technology does not require a training course or support staff. For the most part though, this is the main function I have seen carried out by the staffed monitor. Secondly, someone needs to make sure all of the items are being scanned. What does this say about how far we've actually come as a society when if not for the intimidating presence of a high school junior a large chunk of the population would ommit scanning and paying for items. Isn't not stealing one of those commandment thingies? Beyond the thought of theft for the sake of it how dumb do you have to be to have a criminal record for shoplifitng tube socks? Dumb enough to not realize how to properly use the Self Checkout, that's how dumb.

I Am A Dictater!

I recently was given a dictation program for my Mac as a gift. I had eluded to wanting software of this kind because I tend to type a little slower than I would like and end up losing quality thoughts in the process. Rather than learn to type faster I decided to see if I could accomplish more by speaking and allowing my computer to interpret. The result is that yes indeed I can get more jotted down if I let a machine do it and the software is surprisingly accurate for it's speed. My train of thought runs smoother and I have less editing time because I get down what I wanted to say literally when I said it. Oddly the largest hurdle to get over was the ability to speak out loud while alone and not feel nuts. Funny to think but I actually had initial feelings that I might say the wrong thing and that could cause a problem. I was filtering what I said a machine. Like any learning process, however, I managed to overcome the problem and can stand alone in a room speaking to myself very comfortably now.

The lone downfall of the software itself is the sensitivity of the microphone. No the microphone does not have deep rooted understanding and desires not to hurt my feelings. Almost any noise at all will trigger the program to try and interpret the sound and form a word from it. The sensitivity is so high that a television on in another room produced words and phrases that were yelled out by characters of the show. This can be a little annoying, although really funny when my dog barks and 'wow' appears on the screen. It also makes it impossible to use in free wi-fi areas unless you are willing to edit out "Venti mocha latte please" four hundred times.

Jason Come Lately

I write another blog called Golf Potato about professional golf. Just prior to last week's event, The FBR Open, I wrote a piece (see The Phoenix Open) summarizing the tournament's appeal and experiences I have had at that particular event. In the piece I explained that other tournaments losing sponsors and attendance should take down some notes on how the FBR continues to draw a half a million people every year. Then Jason Sobel wrote the same thing for ESPN Golf, on February 2nd! So why am I bringing this Golf Potato related issue on The Uncouragement? I am really uncouraged that Mr. Sobel gets paid to jot down same thought I had posted five days earlier. I have no ill will towards Jason, I'm just yet again uncouraged.

Super Blow

What was three quarters of suck materialized into a terrific climax in last nights' Super Bowl 43. Santonio Holmes' money shot catch in the corner of the end zone will surely go down as one of the best in history. Why so many italicized sexual innuendos? Ask someone who watched the game in Tuscon, Arizona what their favorite Super Bowl ad was last night. If honest the entire demographic of curious girls of the University of Arizona, would have cast their vote for the thirty seconds of Club Jenna porn that was broadcast towards the end of the game. It wasn't an accidental ad, the clip actually appeared during the game broadcast. So as Larry Fitzgerald scored what was almost the game winning touchdown for Arizona the people of Tuscon were treated to a guy celebrating by waving his erectness in the face of a girl with no self respect. Apparently the local station and Comcast are both denying responsibility for the porn leak. The local channel is blaming Comcast and Comcast is blaming Cox (awesome innuendo by itself). The diagreement roots from none of these organizations employing anyone named Tyler Durden.
Another Super Blow was the slip of a photo of Michael Phelps taking a hit from a bong (Note to the AP, it is a bong, not a marijuana pipe. If you continue to use 'marijuana pipe' in conjunction with the photo you will only confuse the stoners). I don't begrudge a guy who has worked his entire life to reset record books some serious chillin' time after the mission is actually accomplished. However, if you saw any of the post-Olympic interviews you probably got the impression that Phelps may not have gone to college on an academic scholarship. The suspicion the lights may be a little dimmer in Michael's pool were confirmed when the $100 million merman apparently didn't mind that a camera was even in the room, let alone that a picture was taken as he ripped a hit. Dude, do what any self respecting icon with obligations and huge sums of money tied up in sponsors would do, smoke in the bathroom with nobody around. Only adding to the seemingly cosmic connectivity of this story and the porn clip in Tuscon is where Phelps was when the picture was taken, The University of South Carolina. Their mascot; The Gamecock.

Quixotic Is A Terrific Word

As a quick follow up to my rantings on job hunting I came across this posting on craigslist looking for a copywriter. The ad was incredibly fun to read and I actually enjoyed replying to it. Turns out there are some people still looking to creatively qualify applicants and when I went to their website I was ecstatic at the lack of questionnaire. The posting read as follows:

AAAA Central Pennsylvania thinkbank needs another player on the team. Quixotic copywriter needed for take-no-prisoners, full-service thinkbank. Must be able to churn and burn long format and deliver dead-on conceptual work. You get: enough room to swing a cat, win glory, write for high level nationals and internationals, and all the java you can stomach. Send three and only three compelling samples, resume and salary history to jwebb@pavone.net. Pavone, a thinkbank.

My response was:

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. (In no particular order) Webb, I read your posting on craigslist and I am VERY interested in the position. I am looking for a new career and after reading your ad I am very excited about the prospect of having enough room to swing a cat. I have long arms for my build and generally require a good foot extra in feline wielding space. Beyond my predilection to cat swinging I feel I can bring the creativity under pressure the job would inherently necessitate. As my resume will indicate my sole qualification for this job is...I think I'm right for it. Creative writing and visual projects have been a hobby of mine for years. Once I pieced together a picture book during my last hour at work that made fun of everyone living in my small town. The picture book was a hit, even with those singled out and poked fun at for everything from their lack of teeth to public drug use. I have been encouraged by all those who have read my fiction, humor, and journalistic style venting to write full-time, perhaps even for a living. Should I write a book I would have at least a dozen copies sold within the first hour after release. At least a dozen. I will direct you to my two blogs, The Uncouragement and Golf Potato for examples of my writing. If nothing else it should provide you with a decent distraction from work and may lead to office jokes at my expense. As for compensation I typically haul in a pittance per year and my beautiful wife is in the medical field (Lancaster General Hospital) providing us with exceptional medical/dental so I have no need for any additional benefits. Thanks for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon with either a yea or nay. Until then I'll put on a pot of coffee and warm up my cat arm.

I haven't heard back from them...and I won't. It was fun getting nowhere though.