Quixotic Is A Terrific Word

As a quick follow up to my rantings on job hunting I came across this posting on craigslist looking for a copywriter. The ad was incredibly fun to read and I actually enjoyed replying to it. Turns out there are some people still looking to creatively qualify applicants and when I went to their website I was ecstatic at the lack of questionnaire. The posting read as follows:

AAAA Central Pennsylvania thinkbank needs another player on the team. Quixotic copywriter needed for take-no-prisoners, full-service thinkbank. Must be able to churn and burn long format and deliver dead-on conceptual work. You get: enough room to swing a cat, win glory, write for high level nationals and internationals, and all the java you can stomach. Send three and only three compelling samples, resume and salary history to jwebb@pavone.net. Pavone, a thinkbank.

My response was:

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. (In no particular order) Webb, I read your posting on craigslist and I am VERY interested in the position. I am looking for a new career and after reading your ad I am very excited about the prospect of having enough room to swing a cat. I have long arms for my build and generally require a good foot extra in feline wielding space. Beyond my predilection to cat swinging I feel I can bring the creativity under pressure the job would inherently necessitate. As my resume will indicate my sole qualification for this job is...I think I'm right for it. Creative writing and visual projects have been a hobby of mine for years. Once I pieced together a picture book during my last hour at work that made fun of everyone living in my small town. The picture book was a hit, even with those singled out and poked fun at for everything from their lack of teeth to public drug use. I have been encouraged by all those who have read my fiction, humor, and journalistic style venting to write full-time, perhaps even for a living. Should I write a book I would have at least a dozen copies sold within the first hour after release. At least a dozen. I will direct you to my two blogs, The Uncouragement and Golf Potato for examples of my writing. If nothing else it should provide you with a decent distraction from work and may lead to office jokes at my expense. As for compensation I typically haul in a pittance per year and my beautiful wife is in the medical field (Lancaster General Hospital) providing us with exceptional medical/dental so I have no need for any additional benefits. Thanks for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon with either a yea or nay. Until then I'll put on a pot of coffee and warm up my cat arm.

I haven't heard back from them...and I won't. It was fun getting nowhere though.

Unnecessary

Around New Years I was watching a special on CNBC about how the crack staff of financial figured out how the financial collapse of 2008 happened...after they reported it. The only person who came off as not being happy to be a part of such a disaster was Jim Cramer, the Nostradamus of Wall Street. Just prior to commercial breaks CNBC would have a CEO (of companies not responsible for opening the cap to a septic tank and placing our economy directly into it) use one word to define 2008. The summation words included "challenging", "difficult", "unprecedented", "monkey-taint", "fucktart", etc. Okay so they didn't use the f-bomb. Should I have been asked I would have said unnecessary. My choice would have been based not only on a description of the economic downfall but also the self descriptor I am developing while searching for employment in this job market. So we will explore what is most Uncouraging about finding a job in the jobless market.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS?
So I have set out to find a job, not even a good job, any job. I try to remember that sometimes these things are journies we need to take. You could call this a journey only if you were a masochist. Imagine if Columbus set out to discover future tourism based economies and the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria were canoes. It is not so much that I can't find a job that has made me feel unnecessary. I understand jobs are increasingly hard to come by and my search will be difficult. It is the lack of reply, yea or nay, that has me taking in additional stress and feeding it, bathing it, and clothing it. Am I taking the lack of reply too hard? Should I make peace with the fact that these employers are just not that into me? The answer is no. It is f'in rude to not reply to someone seeking employment. Even if their resume is a joke to you let the applicant know you got their crapsume and you aren't what they're looking for or you gave the job to someone else. No communication only makes me assume that I should have printed my resume and cover letter on Quilted Northern. Overqualified, underqualified, anything will do, just an answer. The probable reason, at least I hope (and it's sad that I hope this) is that the person who usually responds to employment applicants was laid off.

THE QUESTIONNAIRE
By my best guess 6 out of 10 of the jobs I have applied for require a questionnaire to be filled out. Granted some of the questionnaires were as simple as a few questions finding out if I had a reliable vehicle and could pass a drug test. The bulk of the questionnaires, however, warrant the arrest of whomever wrote them and those people whose answers red flagged their applications. I filled out a twenty-five page questionnaire for a job I wouldn't wish on a relocating Guantanamo Bay inmate. One might assume that the prospective employer is looking to find out quite a bit about you in 250 questions. One would assume incorrectly. Did they pluck randomly from Trivial Pursuit Totally 80's Edition cards? Nope. They used the same ten base questions per page repeated twenty-five times with slight word changes. To my surprise I found that although other companies had shorter questionnaires (not much shorter) the base questions and word changing ploy to confuse the reader and draw out a drug abuse or history of violence confession were consistent. That only makes me believe that people have failed at the questionnaire and not been given a job because of it. That anyone could screw up one of these things or be fooled by the wordsmith wizardry is so incredibly Uncouraging. This sequence showed up verbatim on a questionnaire I took recently:

Question 18. Before coming to work do you;
A. Use Marijuana and Methanphetomines
B. Use Crack Cocaine
C. Use Prescription Drugs that are not yours
D. Never use

Question 19. On your days off do you;
A. Use Marijuana and Methanphetomines
B. Use Prescription Drugs that aren't yours
C. Smoke Crack Cocaine
D. Never use

Question 20. To relieve stress at work do you;
A. Use Prescription drugs that are not yours
B. Smoke Crack Cocaine and Marijuana
C. Use Methanphetomines
D. Never use

That this string of questions continues with several different variations means that it the ploy has worked in getting a drug abuse answer out of an applicant. I think I understand Ted Kaczynski now. I may become the Questionnaire Bomber, seeking out all those who answered with anything other than D. I can only imagine someone being relieved because the questionnaire didn't put marijuana and prescription pills in the same answer. That these tests are seen as anything other than unnecessary means three things:
1. Illiteracy rates are much higher than one might think
2. Applicants are much higher than one might think
3. "I'm surrounded by idiots" is the most poignant statement of our time

JOB SEARCH FILTERING
The want ad has become the most depressing part of the job journey. Head hunters have become increasingly skilled at disguising the crapulence that is the occupation they offer. I am sure by now even the crack heads who answered (B) to Question 20 know to avoid the Outside Sales: $4,000,000+ first year potential ad or the Sell Crack from Home: We provide qualified leads you close the deal teaser. During my search, however, I did get suckered by a well written want ad. The add was for Verizon Inside Sales Reps needed for Fios launch in X County; base pay plus commission, benefits. I answered the ad and got a call back from HR setting up an interview. Even though I figured it to be a telecommunications based job, which suck, I thought getting in on a launch of such a well advertised service couldn't be too bad. As soon as I showed up at the interview address I applauded the ad writer. The dump of a building is home to a company that does door to door (you sell when you're Inside) selling of Fios on behalf of Verizon. The office looked like the Grinch had been there the night before leaving "only hooks and some wire." The main room was thick with fabricated ambition. I would come to find out the 'base pay' was a loosely provided $400. I say 'loosely' because it was training pay provided either over the first two weeks or first month. I say 'either' because the interviewer wasn't sure of which time frame the training pay was provided. I say 'wasn't sure' because there is no way in hell they give you the money, paultry a sum as it may be. Prior to my phony interview I took the liberty of a quick look at the sales board. This was a Wednesday and six of the seven man sales team had posted goose eggs for the previous two days. The interviewer then proceeds to tell me that his guys make three sales a day each. The thought running through my head the entire time was "his guys" probably failed a questionnaire or two before coming to work here.

Inaugrilescent

As I watched the inauguration of our new president I was struck by a couple of things: The absurdity of Aretha Franklin’s hat: The massive crowds: And the tremendous speaking skills (minus one flub) of our new president. There was one thing, however, that was more awkward than pregnant pause in the oath of office. The unnecessary injection of the invocation delivered by Rick Warren. (Note - I will not refer to him as Dr. because you can't possibly be educated and a homophobe, or a Reverand for that matter) Now, as an atheist I’m always going to be slightly objectionable to the inclusion of God in any modern ceremony, especially when in the realm of government and politics with written rules against the combination of church and state. I found Warren’s services to be inappropriate. We only have to look at the past eight years and to a man who thought God was speaking directly to him to see the obvious need to separate the two. I’m not saying that religion got us into this mess, I'm just saying that it certainly will not get us out of it.
What I found most compelling about Barack Obama’s speech yesterday was that at no point during the speech did he ask for or invoke God’s help. Although almost out of sheer tradition he requested God’s blessing at the end of the speech, during the speech he requested the help of all citizens, regardless of religion, even the non-believers. No leaders should attempt to directly replicate the good deeds of another, however, in the style of speeches delivered by Abraham Lincoln our new president asked for our help and our work ethic in troubled times. President Obama recognizes that it is going to be our determination and self sacrifice that will create success not a reliance on God liking the United States best.
So Mr. Warren, I say with all due respect, take your God and shove it. The time for mankind’s faith in itself has come and the Uncouragement plans to answer the call.

10 For '09

I was thinking of using 9 for '09 but that sounded a bit Wraithy and Lord (of the Rings) knows we don't need to invoke any more nasties after '08. Let's face it, 2008 couldn't have ended any sooner. I was watching a special on one of the cable news networks and they had CEOs selecting one word to describe the year. Surprisingly not a one of them used "Uncouraging". Odd. In any case we have the luxury of bidding ado to 2008 and wonder what will 2009 bring. The Uncouragement presents ten predictions for 2009.

1. Look for a dramatic increase in the number of racially mixed children being born. Thanks to folks like Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, Halle Berry and the Prez-elect Barack Obama we now know what the winning formula is; forget a bun, you better have a marble cake in the oven.

2. In a bold move I will make a stock market prediction for 2009. It will go left to right. You thought I was going to use that tired up and down joke didn't you? Look, you'll probably have to suffer through at least six months of your holdings toggling between being worth jack and dick. If they hold strong at jack by the end of six months everything will be sorta better.

3. The forty year anniversary of the 'Summer of Love' will sadden old hippies everywhere as their teenage grandchildren steal their prescription pot.

4. Snoop Dogg and Ozzy Osbourne will release a wildly successful collaborative album called "Reality Dad". Song titles will include "Crazy Trizzle", "Gin and Massive Amounts of Drugs", "Bitch I'm Comin' Home" and "Oz Up, Hoes Down".

5. A real life Steve Nebraska (The Scout 1994) will be found in Sao Tome and Principe. The Yankees will offer him $4.1 billion over seven years, all guaranteed. A lifetime supply of Chicken McNuggets will serve as the signing bonus...turns out he's a Nuggnut.

6. Speech to text technology will be added to cellular phones allowing users to speak out their text messages before sending them. The ridiculousness of speaking a text message into a phone will be lost on almost everyone. Bluetooth and Speech to Text will ensure 'First Contact' will be avoided for another year as potential visitors will presume that humans are all talking to themselves.

7. With Bill Gates sort of out Microsoft will release the newest version of their operating system called Windows Glitch. The operating system will be based on a bit from The Simpsons in which Mr. Burns is found to have every disease known to man and they are getting in each others' way rendering them tenuously ineffective. Glitch will be marketed as being "indestructible".

8. A massive teacher strike will happen prior to then end of the '08-'09 school year. The explosive rage will be triggered by answers received to the essay question "Explain your position on Russia's invasion of Georgia". A large percentage of answers include initial concerns about family and friends that live in and around Atlanta and Savannah.

9. Due to popular demand and a little urging from President Obama the NCAA will finally create a football playoff system to determine the national champion. Ball State will be the only undefeated team in the country and still won't make the post season.

10. The 99% population tired of having their asses handed to them by the 1% will finally realize they have more than a slight advantage in numbers. Sadly the movement will stall when the unifying mass email will not be successfully delivered due to effective filtering. A crestfallen emoticon will mark the day in future calenders.