Check Yo Self Fool

The most uncouraging thing I see in everyday life is our lack of continued evolution. As a subscriber to the theory that says it is possible for earth's creatures to adapt and advance I feel we humans have reached a pivotal moment. When we should be concerning ourselves with harnessing the use of more than 10% of our brain we seem satisfied to actually use less. I struggle to think of a location on Earth where this is more prevalent than the United Idiots of America. As we could readily see in the now defunct Human Stain Americans, on a daily basis, unevolving. We take good ideas, dumb them down and turn them into filth. My most recent proof of our collective mental block is Self Checkout.

I was in a store the other day (for reasons of anonymity let's just say it rhymes with Hall-Fart) and I had two gallons of organic milk, a humidifier and a replacement coat button (that I was able to get all of these things in one store is convenient, that I lacked the strength at the time to boycott an evil and socially destructive corporation for the sake of that convenience is a whole other blog post). There were twenty-some-odd register lanes of which only four were open. Stuffed into the open register lanes were single shoppers with multiple carts full of discount merchandise. Option two was the one open (of two possible) express lane. One look at the express lane and a simple equation popped into my head; 20 people x 10 items each = screwed. This left the Self Checkout occupied by eight people, sadly none of them using it correctly. People's brains seem to switch off when they enter the Self Checkout as if relying on the automation to to think for them. During my fifteen minutes in line I witnessed every bit of common sense, rule of etiquette or shred of civility dumped faster than my computer's Trash Can empties. I won't get into detail on my total experience, but I will offer up the following list of thoughts to improve something that should have been easily integrated into society and you'll get the picture.

1. Utilize All Of The Technology Available
This one is the most simple and therefore most egregious violation of common sense. If there are four Self Checkout machines on the premises how many should be turned on? Four! Unless broken anything less than four is so dumb I can't even begin...nope can't even begin. Is the machine on a freakin' break? Aw, is the little scanner powered by electricity tie-erred? Or does the mastermind at the ship's helm only have the capacity to stand and watch two people fail at operating simple machinery?
2. Self Checkout Has One Line
When you go to the bank there is that funny little rat maze they make you go through to establish your place in line. You know why they do this? So when the next teller becomes available the person at the front of the maze receives service. Then, stay with me now, when another teller becomes available the person who has assumed the lead position in line receives service. The assumption is that they were there first therefore they go first and there is a sense of order. This simple function is applied at ticket counters, the DMV, etc.. Then we get to the Self Checkout and apparently this basic idea is completely lost. People, without hesitation, will assume a position to be next at a particular check out machine they think offers them the quickest opportunity to scan their items. Do we need ropes? Seems that way. We have de-evolved to the point in which there is a need for a breed of dogs that herd us.
3. Self Checkout Is An Extension Of The Express Lane
There is no need, or should be no need, for a posted sign on this one. If you think for a minute the Self Checkout was supposed to be used for anything other than a few items you are denser than ironwood. Here's the breakdown:
A hand basket full or less - You get it More than 20 items - You're a bit of a jerk A shopping cart full - You're a dick Two shopping carts full (I've seen this) - You're the kind of asshole that deserves a public execusion
Self Checkout was designed to make transactions faster. Doing the job of both cashier and bagger makes things what class? SLOW-ERR. That's right kids.
4. There Should Be No Need For A Human Monitor
There are only two reasons for needing a person to watch people check themselves out and both suck. First, a certain percentage of people are inevitably going to require help. This is just sad. Scan, place in bag, pay. Operating this kind of technology does not require a training course or support staff. For the most part though, this is the main function I have seen carried out by the staffed monitor. Secondly, someone needs to make sure all of the items are being scanned. What does this say about how far we've actually come as a society when if not for the intimidating presence of a high school junior a large chunk of the population would ommit scanning and paying for items. Isn't not stealing one of those commandment thingies? Beyond the thought of theft for the sake of it how dumb do you have to be to have a criminal record for shoplifitng tube socks? Dumb enough to not realize how to properly use the Self Checkout, that's how dumb.