Check Yo Self Fool

The most uncouraging thing I see in everyday life is our lack of continued evolution. As a subscriber to the theory that says it is possible for earth's creatures to adapt and advance I feel we humans have reached a pivotal moment. When we should be concerning ourselves with harnessing the use of more than 10% of our brain we seem satisfied to actually use less. I struggle to think of a location on Earth where this is more prevalent than the United Idiots of America. As we could readily see in the now defunct Human Stain Americans, on a daily basis, unevolving. We take good ideas, dumb them down and turn them into filth. My most recent proof of our collective mental block is Self Checkout.

I was in a store the other day (for reasons of anonymity let's just say it rhymes with Hall-Fart) and I had two gallons of organic milk, a humidifier and a replacement coat button (that I was able to get all of these things in one store is convenient, that I lacked the strength at the time to boycott an evil and socially destructive corporation for the sake of that convenience is a whole other blog post). There were twenty-some-odd register lanes of which only four were open. Stuffed into the open register lanes were single shoppers with multiple carts full of discount merchandise. Option two was the one open (of two possible) express lane. One look at the express lane and a simple equation popped into my head; 20 people x 10 items each = screwed. This left the Self Checkout occupied by eight people, sadly none of them using it correctly. People's brains seem to switch off when they enter the Self Checkout as if relying on the automation to to think for them. During my fifteen minutes in line I witnessed every bit of common sense, rule of etiquette or shred of civility dumped faster than my computer's Trash Can empties. I won't get into detail on my total experience, but I will offer up the following list of thoughts to improve something that should have been easily integrated into society and you'll get the picture.

1. Utilize All Of The Technology Available
This one is the most simple and therefore most egregious violation of common sense. If there are four Self Checkout machines on the premises how many should be turned on? Four! Unless broken anything less than four is so dumb I can't even begin...nope can't even begin. Is the machine on a freakin' break? Aw, is the little scanner powered by electricity tie-erred? Or does the mastermind at the ship's helm only have the capacity to stand and watch two people fail at operating simple machinery?
2. Self Checkout Has One Line
When you go to the bank there is that funny little rat maze they make you go through to establish your place in line. You know why they do this? So when the next teller becomes available the person at the front of the maze receives service. Then, stay with me now, when another teller becomes available the person who has assumed the lead position in line receives service. The assumption is that they were there first therefore they go first and there is a sense of order. This simple function is applied at ticket counters, the DMV, etc.. Then we get to the Self Checkout and apparently this basic idea is completely lost. People, without hesitation, will assume a position to be next at a particular check out machine they think offers them the quickest opportunity to scan their items. Do we need ropes? Seems that way. We have de-evolved to the point in which there is a need for a breed of dogs that herd us.
3. Self Checkout Is An Extension Of The Express Lane
There is no need, or should be no need, for a posted sign on this one. If you think for a minute the Self Checkout was supposed to be used for anything other than a few items you are denser than ironwood. Here's the breakdown:
A hand basket full or less - You get it More than 20 items - You're a bit of a jerk A shopping cart full - You're a dick Two shopping carts full (I've seen this) - You're the kind of asshole that deserves a public execusion
Self Checkout was designed to make transactions faster. Doing the job of both cashier and bagger makes things what class? SLOW-ERR. That's right kids.
4. There Should Be No Need For A Human Monitor
There are only two reasons for needing a person to watch people check themselves out and both suck. First, a certain percentage of people are inevitably going to require help. This is just sad. Scan, place in bag, pay. Operating this kind of technology does not require a training course or support staff. For the most part though, this is the main function I have seen carried out by the staffed monitor. Secondly, someone needs to make sure all of the items are being scanned. What does this say about how far we've actually come as a society when if not for the intimidating presence of a high school junior a large chunk of the population would ommit scanning and paying for items. Isn't not stealing one of those commandment thingies? Beyond the thought of theft for the sake of it how dumb do you have to be to have a criminal record for shoplifitng tube socks? Dumb enough to not realize how to properly use the Self Checkout, that's how dumb.

I Am A Dictater!

I recently was given a dictation program for my Mac as a gift. I had eluded to wanting software of this kind because I tend to type a little slower than I would like and end up losing quality thoughts in the process. Rather than learn to type faster I decided to see if I could accomplish more by speaking and allowing my computer to interpret. The result is that yes indeed I can get more jotted down if I let a machine do it and the software is surprisingly accurate for it's speed. My train of thought runs smoother and I have less editing time because I get down what I wanted to say literally when I said it. Oddly the largest hurdle to get over was the ability to speak out loud while alone and not feel nuts. Funny to think but I actually had initial feelings that I might say the wrong thing and that could cause a problem. I was filtering what I said a machine. Like any learning process, however, I managed to overcome the problem and can stand alone in a room speaking to myself very comfortably now.

The lone downfall of the software itself is the sensitivity of the microphone. No the microphone does not have deep rooted understanding and desires not to hurt my feelings. Almost any noise at all will trigger the program to try and interpret the sound and form a word from it. The sensitivity is so high that a television on in another room produced words and phrases that were yelled out by characters of the show. This can be a little annoying, although really funny when my dog barks and 'wow' appears on the screen. It also makes it impossible to use in free wi-fi areas unless you are willing to edit out "Venti mocha latte please" four hundred times.

Jason Come Lately

I write another blog called Golf Potato about professional golf. Just prior to last week's event, The FBR Open, I wrote a piece (see The Phoenix Open) summarizing the tournament's appeal and experiences I have had at that particular event. In the piece I explained that other tournaments losing sponsors and attendance should take down some notes on how the FBR continues to draw a half a million people every year. Then Jason Sobel wrote the same thing for ESPN Golf, on February 2nd! So why am I bringing this Golf Potato related issue on The Uncouragement? I am really uncouraged that Mr. Sobel gets paid to jot down same thought I had posted five days earlier. I have no ill will towards Jason, I'm just yet again uncouraged.

Super Blow

What was three quarters of suck materialized into a terrific climax in last nights' Super Bowl 43. Santonio Holmes' money shot catch in the corner of the end zone will surely go down as one of the best in history. Why so many italicized sexual innuendos? Ask someone who watched the game in Tuscon, Arizona what their favorite Super Bowl ad was last night. If honest the entire demographic of curious girls of the University of Arizona, would have cast their vote for the thirty seconds of Club Jenna porn that was broadcast towards the end of the game. It wasn't an accidental ad, the clip actually appeared during the game broadcast. So as Larry Fitzgerald scored what was almost the game winning touchdown for Arizona the people of Tuscon were treated to a guy celebrating by waving his erectness in the face of a girl with no self respect. Apparently the local station and Comcast are both denying responsibility for the porn leak. The local channel is blaming Comcast and Comcast is blaming Cox (awesome innuendo by itself). The diagreement roots from none of these organizations employing anyone named Tyler Durden.
Another Super Blow was the slip of a photo of Michael Phelps taking a hit from a bong (Note to the AP, it is a bong, not a marijuana pipe. If you continue to use 'marijuana pipe' in conjunction with the photo you will only confuse the stoners). I don't begrudge a guy who has worked his entire life to reset record books some serious chillin' time after the mission is actually accomplished. However, if you saw any of the post-Olympic interviews you probably got the impression that Phelps may not have gone to college on an academic scholarship. The suspicion the lights may be a little dimmer in Michael's pool were confirmed when the $100 million merman apparently didn't mind that a camera was even in the room, let alone that a picture was taken as he ripped a hit. Dude, do what any self respecting icon with obligations and huge sums of money tied up in sponsors would do, smoke in the bathroom with nobody around. Only adding to the seemingly cosmic connectivity of this story and the porn clip in Tuscon is where Phelps was when the picture was taken, The University of South Carolina. Their mascot; The Gamecock.

Quixotic Is A Terrific Word

As a quick follow up to my rantings on job hunting I came across this posting on craigslist looking for a copywriter. The ad was incredibly fun to read and I actually enjoyed replying to it. Turns out there are some people still looking to creatively qualify applicants and when I went to their website I was ecstatic at the lack of questionnaire. The posting read as follows:

AAAA Central Pennsylvania thinkbank needs another player on the team. Quixotic copywriter needed for take-no-prisoners, full-service thinkbank. Must be able to churn and burn long format and deliver dead-on conceptual work. You get: enough room to swing a cat, win glory, write for high level nationals and internationals, and all the java you can stomach. Send three and only three compelling samples, resume and salary history to jwebb@pavone.net. Pavone, a thinkbank.

My response was:

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. (In no particular order) Webb, I read your posting on craigslist and I am VERY interested in the position. I am looking for a new career and after reading your ad I am very excited about the prospect of having enough room to swing a cat. I have long arms for my build and generally require a good foot extra in feline wielding space. Beyond my predilection to cat swinging I feel I can bring the creativity under pressure the job would inherently necessitate. As my resume will indicate my sole qualification for this job is...I think I'm right for it. Creative writing and visual projects have been a hobby of mine for years. Once I pieced together a picture book during my last hour at work that made fun of everyone living in my small town. The picture book was a hit, even with those singled out and poked fun at for everything from their lack of teeth to public drug use. I have been encouraged by all those who have read my fiction, humor, and journalistic style venting to write full-time, perhaps even for a living. Should I write a book I would have at least a dozen copies sold within the first hour after release. At least a dozen. I will direct you to my two blogs, The Uncouragement and Golf Potato for examples of my writing. If nothing else it should provide you with a decent distraction from work and may lead to office jokes at my expense. As for compensation I typically haul in a pittance per year and my beautiful wife is in the medical field (Lancaster General Hospital) providing us with exceptional medical/dental so I have no need for any additional benefits. Thanks for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon with either a yea or nay. Until then I'll put on a pot of coffee and warm up my cat arm.

I haven't heard back from them...and I won't. It was fun getting nowhere though.

Unnecessary

Around New Years I was watching a special on CNBC about how the crack staff of financial figured out how the financial collapse of 2008 happened...after they reported it. The only person who came off as not being happy to be a part of such a disaster was Jim Cramer, the Nostradamus of Wall Street. Just prior to commercial breaks CNBC would have a CEO (of companies not responsible for opening the cap to a septic tank and placing our economy directly into it) use one word to define 2008. The summation words included "challenging", "difficult", "unprecedented", "monkey-taint", "fucktart", etc. Okay so they didn't use the f-bomb. Should I have been asked I would have said unnecessary. My choice would have been based not only on a description of the economic downfall but also the self descriptor I am developing while searching for employment in this job market. So we will explore what is most Uncouraging about finding a job in the jobless market.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS?
So I have set out to find a job, not even a good job, any job. I try to remember that sometimes these things are journies we need to take. You could call this a journey only if you were a masochist. Imagine if Columbus set out to discover future tourism based economies and the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria were canoes. It is not so much that I can't find a job that has made me feel unnecessary. I understand jobs are increasingly hard to come by and my search will be difficult. It is the lack of reply, yea or nay, that has me taking in additional stress and feeding it, bathing it, and clothing it. Am I taking the lack of reply too hard? Should I make peace with the fact that these employers are just not that into me? The answer is no. It is f'in rude to not reply to someone seeking employment. Even if their resume is a joke to you let the applicant know you got their crapsume and you aren't what they're looking for or you gave the job to someone else. No communication only makes me assume that I should have printed my resume and cover letter on Quilted Northern. Overqualified, underqualified, anything will do, just an answer. The probable reason, at least I hope (and it's sad that I hope this) is that the person who usually responds to employment applicants was laid off.

THE QUESTIONNAIRE
By my best guess 6 out of 10 of the jobs I have applied for require a questionnaire to be filled out. Granted some of the questionnaires were as simple as a few questions finding out if I had a reliable vehicle and could pass a drug test. The bulk of the questionnaires, however, warrant the arrest of whomever wrote them and those people whose answers red flagged their applications. I filled out a twenty-five page questionnaire for a job I wouldn't wish on a relocating Guantanamo Bay inmate. One might assume that the prospective employer is looking to find out quite a bit about you in 250 questions. One would assume incorrectly. Did they pluck randomly from Trivial Pursuit Totally 80's Edition cards? Nope. They used the same ten base questions per page repeated twenty-five times with slight word changes. To my surprise I found that although other companies had shorter questionnaires (not much shorter) the base questions and word changing ploy to confuse the reader and draw out a drug abuse or history of violence confession were consistent. That only makes me believe that people have failed at the questionnaire and not been given a job because of it. That anyone could screw up one of these things or be fooled by the wordsmith wizardry is so incredibly Uncouraging. This sequence showed up verbatim on a questionnaire I took recently:

Question 18. Before coming to work do you;
A. Use Marijuana and Methanphetomines
B. Use Crack Cocaine
C. Use Prescription Drugs that are not yours
D. Never use

Question 19. On your days off do you;
A. Use Marijuana and Methanphetomines
B. Use Prescription Drugs that aren't yours
C. Smoke Crack Cocaine
D. Never use

Question 20. To relieve stress at work do you;
A. Use Prescription drugs that are not yours
B. Smoke Crack Cocaine and Marijuana
C. Use Methanphetomines
D. Never use

That this string of questions continues with several different variations means that it the ploy has worked in getting a drug abuse answer out of an applicant. I think I understand Ted Kaczynski now. I may become the Questionnaire Bomber, seeking out all those who answered with anything other than D. I can only imagine someone being relieved because the questionnaire didn't put marijuana and prescription pills in the same answer. That these tests are seen as anything other than unnecessary means three things:
1. Illiteracy rates are much higher than one might think
2. Applicants are much higher than one might think
3. "I'm surrounded by idiots" is the most poignant statement of our time

JOB SEARCH FILTERING
The want ad has become the most depressing part of the job journey. Head hunters have become increasingly skilled at disguising the crapulence that is the occupation they offer. I am sure by now even the crack heads who answered (B) to Question 20 know to avoid the Outside Sales: $4,000,000+ first year potential ad or the Sell Crack from Home: We provide qualified leads you close the deal teaser. During my search, however, I did get suckered by a well written want ad. The add was for Verizon Inside Sales Reps needed for Fios launch in X County; base pay plus commission, benefits. I answered the ad and got a call back from HR setting up an interview. Even though I figured it to be a telecommunications based job, which suck, I thought getting in on a launch of such a well advertised service couldn't be too bad. As soon as I showed up at the interview address I applauded the ad writer. The dump of a building is home to a company that does door to door (you sell when you're Inside) selling of Fios on behalf of Verizon. The office looked like the Grinch had been there the night before leaving "only hooks and some wire." The main room was thick with fabricated ambition. I would come to find out the 'base pay' was a loosely provided $400. I say 'loosely' because it was training pay provided either over the first two weeks or first month. I say 'either' because the interviewer wasn't sure of which time frame the training pay was provided. I say 'wasn't sure' because there is no way in hell they give you the money, paultry a sum as it may be. Prior to my phony interview I took the liberty of a quick look at the sales board. This was a Wednesday and six of the seven man sales team had posted goose eggs for the previous two days. The interviewer then proceeds to tell me that his guys make three sales a day each. The thought running through my head the entire time was "his guys" probably failed a questionnaire or two before coming to work here.

Inaugrilescent

As I watched the inauguration of our new president I was struck by a couple of things: The absurdity of Aretha Franklin’s hat: The massive crowds: And the tremendous speaking skills (minus one flub) of our new president. There was one thing, however, that was more awkward than pregnant pause in the oath of office. The unnecessary injection of the invocation delivered by Rick Warren. (Note - I will not refer to him as Dr. because you can't possibly be educated and a homophobe, or a Reverand for that matter) Now, as an atheist I’m always going to be slightly objectionable to the inclusion of God in any modern ceremony, especially when in the realm of government and politics with written rules against the combination of church and state. I found Warren’s services to be inappropriate. We only have to look at the past eight years and to a man who thought God was speaking directly to him to see the obvious need to separate the two. I’m not saying that religion got us into this mess, I'm just saying that it certainly will not get us out of it.
What I found most compelling about Barack Obama’s speech yesterday was that at no point during the speech did he ask for or invoke God’s help. Although almost out of sheer tradition he requested God’s blessing at the end of the speech, during the speech he requested the help of all citizens, regardless of religion, even the non-believers. No leaders should attempt to directly replicate the good deeds of another, however, in the style of speeches delivered by Abraham Lincoln our new president asked for our help and our work ethic in troubled times. President Obama recognizes that it is going to be our determination and self sacrifice that will create success not a reliance on God liking the United States best.
So Mr. Warren, I say with all due respect, take your God and shove it. The time for mankind’s faith in itself has come and the Uncouragement plans to answer the call.