The Uncouragement

Most Uncouraging Image Of 2010...So Far

2010-09-15T06:46:00.000-07:00

Lady Gaga, a dress made of meat and Cher

I don't watch MTV's Video Music Awards. Mostly because I don't care for most any Pop music and I really can't stand the Pop artists. I didn't even know they still made music videos or that MTV actually aired any of them so I was surprised to find out that there continues to be an awards show for music videos. Regardless, I still couldn't give a damn anyway. The day after the awards the net went crazy about this meat dress Lady Gaga was wearing. I saw the photo of Lady Gaga and Cher on stage and knew at that moment America is doomed. Yes, the dress, hat and boots Lady Gaga was wearing are made entirely out of meat. No, that's not Troy Polamalu in drag standing next to her.

Troy Polamalu

I Love My Life As A Dickhead

2010-09-15T05:13:00.000-07:00

Antoine Dodson...My Hero!

2010-09-01T13:29:00.001-07:00

Mama Wants a Webcam! (Real Voicemails) - Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T07:47:00.000-07:00

Tiger's Troubles Can Be A Riot

2009-12-05T07:57:00.001-08:00

Why Must They Make Me Hate: An Affair with Auto Insurance

2009-11-05T15:21:00.000-08:00

My girlfriend and I share a car. We carpool when we can, sometimes I ride my bike to work. She was driving home from work on the 15 in lovely San Diego County in rush hour stop and go traffic. While she was stopped in said traffic, the guy behind her accelerated and didn't stop accelerating until he hit her. Smooth Moves Homeslice!

He was driving a Hertz rental car and said he had purchased their insurance but didn't have any documentation. The police were called but wouldn't come out because no one was injured. My girlfriend gathered up Homeslice's Drivers License info and got out of him that he has AAA as a carrier for his normal policy. She drives home only to have the exhaust fall off a few miles from our house.

I ghetto-rig the exhaust back on and call Hertz. They say the accident hasn't been reported yet, but they'll keep me posted. Two weeks go by, I've called twenty times with no response, finally I call and wait forever on hold until I get an actual person. I flip out. I'm yelling and telling them what an inconvenience this has been. They wait until I'm done and then inform me that Homeslice had never purchased the insurance from Hertz and that they are filing a claim with AAA. They give me the claim number and the AAA hotline.

I call AAA and report my half of the claim. They apologize for the delay, but say its not their fault because Homeslice had waited 2 weeks to report the accident. Smooth Moves Homeslice! Convinced that things will now start to get taken care of, I relax.

Two weeks go by, I've called AAA twenty times with no response, finally I call and wait forever on hold until I get an actual person. I flip out. I'm yelling and telling them what an inconvenience this has been. They wait until I'm done and then inform me that they are sorry for the delay and will get me a rental car until my car is fixed.

The rental car is nice, 2009 Nissan Maxima, plush. My lady and I drive the creampuff around for a week an their ticket, but we're still paying for the extra insurance for the rental. I call AAA five times that week with no response, finally I call and wait forever on hold until I get an actual person. I flip out. I'm yelling and telling them that hey can't just sit around with their thumbs in the butt while I pay $20 a day. They wait until I'm done and then inform me that they are sorry for the delay but my adjuster has been out on sick leave and they'll pay for the extra insurance too.

This entire time, since we got the rental, my car's been in a dealership's parking lot with a repair quote and I've been speaking to the mechanic about my options. He , myself and AAA agree to do nothing.

A month goes by. I've been driving the creampuff around, my car's still in the dealership's parking lot, AAA is still dicking around. I get a phone call from the dealership saying that they just heard from AAA that they're going to send me a check for the repairs. Fancy that, guess I'm the last to know. I call AAA three times, no response, finally I call and wait forever on hold until I get an actual person. I'm in a good mood now that my car is going to get fixed, so I say "hello" sweetly and ask what the deal is. They inform me that as a matter of fact they meant to call me because they aren't going to fix my car they are going to considered it a total loss and send me a check for what the car is worth, which ain't much. I flip out. I'm yelling and telling them what an inconvenience this has been. They wait until I'm done and then inform me that they are sorry for the delay because they actually determined this 2 weeks ago but somehow the quote got lost so no one informed me. I flip out again. I'm yelling and telling them what an inconvenience this is going to be and how I could have been looking for a new car for 2 weeks but instead they've just been dragging their feet and wasting my time and f-ing with my money. I've always wanted to say that and did actually say that to the woman at AAA. "You're fucking with my money!"

Life Goal #253, Check.

My anger seemingly gets me nowhere and I'm forced to wait for what may be eternity to hear back from them. For three days I plan my strategy. I'm ready to tell them that I'm not signing anything or accepting any check from them until I've had atleast a week to look for a new car and that they're going to continue to pay for my rental until I find one. If they don't comply I'm going to start filing insurance fraud claims against them and their client, Homeslice. On the fourth day, I get a call from an outside legal group and they tell me that AAA is willing to offer me close to twice the value of my car...?

I think about it for a few days and weigh my options with the mechanic and the DMV and my friend who works with cars and auto insurance companies. The conclusion that I come to is that I can take the check, buy back my car as a salvage, have it repaired and still walk away with a check worth the actual value of the car. I'm excited but weary of such a seemingly good deal. Then I get the call.

AAA's claims department calls me with an accusitory tone and a bunch of questions about my initial reporting of the accident. They wanna know why I said the accident happened at point A in stop and go traffic, when the police report says it happened at point B at 80 mph. What? I flip out. I start yelling about how there is no police report, that they have a lot of balls to put me through all this and then accuse me of lying and that somebody should arrest Homeslice for being a complete moron and a liar. The claims agent says "What do you mean? He's already been arrested, he got a DWI at the scene of the accident. Wait, what's your girlfriend's name?" I tell him and he gets real quiet and says that that isn't the name on the police report. "What time was your accident?" I tell him and he gets even quieter and says that the police report says it was an hour and half later. I ask "Do you mean to tell me that your client was drunk when he hit my girlfriend and then drove off and hit someone else at 80 mph." He goes silent. After a few moments he says very softly "It looks like that may be what happened". Smooth Move Homeslice.

All of a sudden the big settlement number made sense. They thought they were getting rid of a DWI accident claim for 5,000 bucks. They didn't realize that they had a whole notha claim bitches.

In the end, all my flipping out got me my car fixed, a sweet check, a month of driving around in a creampuff and left them paying $1,400 dollars for the rental and double the actual amount of my car in a settlement.

I don't see any reason to be nice, ever again.

Paranormally Bad

2009-11-03T12:39:00.000-08:00

As I have just posted on Twitter, the 2009 Wad of Over-hyped Movie Suck is Paranormal Activity. There is not a single genuine scare in the entire movie, not even close. The really Uncouraging bit about the ill-gotten hype over this movie is not that it will gross more than $100 million. No, what is truly Uncouraging is how many people were legitimately scared poopless by this film. The only poop I lost was when I went to the restroom and took a dump midway through because I knew I wouldn't miss anything. I can understand why a critic may have sold themselves out to give this a positive review, but that anyone actually was "physically affected" by this movie seems impossible. I take that back, because in truth I was physically affected by the film; I was so annoyed with the actors my fist cramped from wanting to punch them in the face while they were on screen.
These are the actors...You should hate them!

The wafer thin plot line seemed to have been made up on the fly. Actually the entire film seemed to be like a home movie a couple of kids with a camera put together on a rainy afternoon. You could have story-boarded the whole thing in a Sunday comic strip. But hey, if the idea was to redo the Blair Witch Project, just really, really, really, really poorly, bravo!

Recessipodes : A Liberal Halloween (click Image to view in full)

2009-11-03T11:40:00.000-08:00

The Belated Interview Review

2009-11-03T11:16:00.000-08:00

The Job in the late September post ended up being most Uncouraging. The night before the Interview, I googled the company to learn some jargon I could spit back at my Interviewer, only to find that the company name was all over a bunch of scam warning websites. The Company had four different names, all listed at the same address, and when I arrived in their parking lot I noticed that the parking signs listed one name, the archway sign another and the glass front door yet another. None of the were the company name used on the job posting I had found.

Much as the scam warning had warned, I was rushed through a nonsensical interview and met with anger when I asked logical questions. During the Interview I could hear loud techno music coming from the lobby that had been decorated like a night club and had a similar smell. The receptionist looked like 2 am on a Saturday morning outside of the night club they were trying to imitate in the lobby. The Interviewer looked like the drunk guy in a cheap suit with semi-slicked back hair that was going to try to bring the receptionist home. His knuckledragger response to my logical queries solidified his meat-headedness.

Moments after I left the purposely uninformative interview, I was called by the streaked eyeliner receptionist and encouraged to come back the next day for a "Second Interview" that would take place on-site at a store location with one of their Sales Reps and would consist of me working for eight hours hawking cheap products on the sidewalk in front of a legitimate store that had forgotten to previously, but would soon, put up a no soliciting sign the front window. I declined the uncouraging offer and decided to remain unemployed with dignity.

For a solid laugh at my expense check out the following Link:

http://www.ripoffreport.com/Sales-People/Redline-Executive/redline-executive-event-in-3wy6d.htm

Peace be with the damned,
Little Bro Uncouraged (LBU)

Late Night Ranger

2009-11-03T09:18:00.000-08:00

Blueberry Feels Your Pain

2009-10-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

Finding a job your perfect for is damn near impossible these days...just ask Blueberry Johnson

The State - MTV Shows

Ah Ye Privileged and Faithful !

2009-09-24T10:47:00.000-07:00

Today is a day of greatness. The long since updated Uncouragement is back, and what an era of great uncouragement it is back for. Our leader has moved to Vermont and successfully found his position of joy and bliss doing the activity he loves, golfing. Wait a minute ... That's encouraging. Is it not?

But wait! One of his kin has moved to California in search of joy and bliss. And what of his success? Uncouragement! Follow young and wayward obi through his trials and tribulations of a mid-recession jobhunt. Be dazzled by stories and pictures alike. Be rattled to the core by the harshness of reality and its absurdity.

You were once privileged enough to know of past uncouragements. You were faithful in their absence. Today they have returned! Today IS a day of greatness, and great Uncouragement.

Stay tuned for the results of obi's late afternoon interview ...

March Madness

2009-03-01T06:52:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been in your car and almost gotten into an accident due to a commercial giving you a small stroke? I had been stroke free until the other day when a commercial made me forget what I was doing and make a not so safe entry onto a busy highway. What commercial, radio commercial mind you, could have been so outrageous as to stymie my brain function? A March Madness sale, on vasectomies. Any advertisement promoting vasectomy procedures would have thrown me a bit, but this one was stunning. The entire ad drew a connection between the NCAA Basketball Tournament, nicknamed March Madness, and getting a discounted procedure to sterilize your baby makers. Basketballs and balls in your basket.

Having been in sales I am familiar with tried and true techniques to sell just about anything. One technique exploited by this ad was to create a sense of urgency. The funny part is what they decided was so urgent. "Get your appointment scheduled now so we can perform your vasectomy before the start of the tournament". Good thinking! Lord knows I don't want to have an ice pack on my crippled jewels during the Final Four. Then they suggest "Why not take the next few days recovering from your vasectomy watching the first couple rounds?" The first round is played over two days, Thursday and Friday. That's right, have an elective procedure in order to call out from work and be able to watch the opening round games. The true March Madness is that there will be a guy or two that will take advantage of this opportunity having never even considered a vasectomy prior to the ad.

The commercial's coup de grace, however, was what really drove a figurative nail into my mental coffin. "Call now to take advantage of this March Madness discount and LOWER YOUR SEED!" For those not familiar with the March Madness tournament, 64 teams are seeded in four sets of #1-#16. Your number is your seed. Thus completing the most bizarre ad correlation I have ever come across. I no longer listen to the radio.

Check Yo Self Fool

2009-02-22T07:43:00.000-08:00

The most uncouraging thing I see in everyday life is our lack of continued evolution. As a subscriber to the theory that says it is possible for earth's creatures to adapt and advance I feel we humans have reached a pivotal moment. When we should be concerning ourselves with harnessing the use of more than 10% of our brain we seem satisfied to actually use less. I struggle to think of a location on Earth where this is more prevalent than the United Idiots of America. As we could readily see in the now defunct Human Stain Americans, on a daily basis, unevolving. We take good ideas, dumb them down and turn them into filth. My most recent proof of our collective mental block is Self Checkout.

I was in a store the other day (for reasons of anonymity let's just say it rhymes with Hall-Fart) and I had two gallons of organic milk, a humidifier and a replacement coat button (that I was able to get all of these things in one store is convenient, that I lacked the strength at the time to boycott an evil and socially destructive corporation for the sake of that convenience is a whole other blog post). There were twenty-some-odd register lanes of which only four were open. Stuffed into the open register lanes were single shoppers with multiple carts full of discount merchandise. Option two was the one open (of two possible) express lane. One look at the express lane and a simple equation popped into my head; 20 people x 10 items each = screwed. This left the Self Checkout occupied by eight people, sadly none of them using it correctly. People's brains seem to switch off when they enter the Self Checkout as if relying on the automation to to think for them. During my fifteen minutes in line I witnessed every bit of common sense, rule of etiquette or shred of civility dumped faster than my computer's Trash Can empties. I won't get into detail on my total experience, but I will offer up the following list of thoughts to improve something that should have been easily integrated into society and you'll get the picture.

1. Utilize All Of The Technology Available
This one is the most simple and therefore most egregious violation of common sense. If there are four Self Checkout machines on the premises how many should be turned on? Four! Unless broken anything less than four is so dumb I can't even begin...nope can't even begin. Is the machine on a freakin' break? Aw, is the little scanner powered by electricity tie-erred? Or does the mastermind at the ship's helm only have the capacity to stand and watch two people fail at operating simple machinery?
2. Self Checkout Has One Line
When you go to the bank there is that funny little rat maze they make you go through to establish your place in line. You know why they do this? So when the next teller becomes available the person at the front of the maze receives service. Then, stay with me now, when another teller becomes available the person who has assumed the lead position in line receives service. The assumption is that they were there first therefore they go first and there is a sense of order. This simple function is applied at ticket counters, the DMV, etc.. Then we get to the Self Checkout and apparently this basic idea is completely lost. People, without hesitation, will assume a position to be next at a particular check out machine they think offers them the quickest opportunity to scan their items. Do we need ropes? Seems that way. We have de-evolved to the point in which there is a need for a breed of dogs that herd us.
3. Self Checkout Is An Extension Of The Express Lane
There is no need, or should be no need, for a posted sign on this one. If you think for a minute the Self Checkout was supposed to be used for anything other than a few items you are denser than ironwood. Here's the breakdown:
A hand basket full or less - You get it More than 20 items - You're a bit of a jerk A shopping cart full - You're a dick Two shopping carts full (I've seen this) - You're the kind of asshole that deserves a public execusion
Self Checkout was designed to make transactions faster. Doing the job of both cashier and bagger makes things what class? SLOW-ERR. That's right kids.
4. There Should Be No Need For A Human Monitor
There are only two reasons for needing a person to watch people check themselves out and both suck. First, a certain percentage of people are inevitably going to require help. This is just sad. Scan, place in bag, pay. Operating this kind of technology does not require a training course or support staff. For the most part though, this is the main function I have seen carried out by the staffed monitor. Secondly, someone needs to make sure all of the items are being scanned. What does this say about how far we've actually come as a society when if not for the intimidating presence of a high school junior a large chunk of the population would ommit scanning and paying for items. Isn't not stealing one of those commandment thingies? Beyond the thought of theft for the sake of it how dumb do you have to be to have a criminal record for shoplifitng tube socks? Dumb enough to not realize how to properly use the Self Checkout, that's how dumb.

I Am A Dictater!

2009-02-12T12:31:00.000-08:00

I recently was given a dictation program for my Mac as a gift. I had eluded to wanting software of this kind because I tend to type a little slower than I would like and end up losing quality thoughts in the process. Rather than learn to type faster I decided to see if I could accomplish more by speaking and allowing my computer to interpret. The result is that yes indeed I can get more jotted down if I let a machine do it and the software is surprisingly accurate for it's speed. My train of thought runs smoother and I have less editing time because I get down what I wanted to say literally when I said it. Oddly the largest hurdle to get over was the ability to speak out loud while alone and not feel nuts. Funny to think but I actually had initial feelings that I might say the wrong thing and that could cause a problem. I was filtering what I said a machine. Like any learning process, however, I managed to overcome the problem and can stand alone in a room speaking to myself very comfortably now.

The lone downfall of the software itself is the sensitivity of the microphone. No the microphone does not have deep rooted understanding and desires not to hurt my feelings. Almost any noise at all will trigger the program to try and interpret the sound and form a word from it. The sensitivity is so high that a television on in another room produced words and phrases that were yelled out by characters of the show. This can be a little annoying, although really funny when my dog barks and 'wow' appears on the screen. It also makes it impossible to use in free wi-fi areas unless you are willing to edit out "Venti mocha latte please" four hundred times.

Jason Come Lately

2009-02-03T11:25:00.000-08:00

I write another blog called Golf Potato about professional golf. Just prior to last week's event, The FBR Open, I wrote a piece (see The Phoenix Open) summarizing the tournament's appeal and experiences I have had at that particular event. In the piece I explained that other tournaments losing sponsors and attendance should take down some notes on how the FBR continues to draw a half a million people every year. Then Jason Sobel wrote the same thing for ESPN Golf, on February 2nd! So why am I bringing this Golf Potato related issue on The Uncouragement? I am really uncouraged that Mr. Sobel gets paid to jot down same thought I had posted five days earlier. I have no ill will towards Jason, I'm just yet again uncouraged.

Super Blow

2009-02-02T15:27:00.000-08:00

What was three quarters of suck materialized into a terrific climax in last nights' Super Bowl 43. Santonio Holmes' money shot catch in the corner of the end zone will surely go down as one of the best in history. Why so many italicized sexual innuendos? Ask someone who watched the game in Tuscon, Arizona what their favorite Super Bowl ad was last night. If honest the entire demographic of curious girls of the University of Arizona, would have cast their vote for the thirty seconds of Club Jenna porn that was broadcast towards the end of the game. It wasn't an accidental ad, the clip actually appeared during the game broadcast. So as Larry Fitzgerald scored what was almost the game winning touchdown for Arizona the people of Tuscon were treated to a guy celebrating by waving his erectness in the face of a girl with no self respect. Apparently the local station and Comcast are both denying responsibility for the porn leak. The local channel is blaming Comcast and Comcast is blaming Cox (awesome innuendo by itself). The diagreement roots from none of these organizations employing anyone named Tyler Durden.
Another Super Blow was the slip of a photo of Michael Phelps taking a hit from a bong (Note to the AP, it is a bong, not a marijuana pipe. If you continue to use 'marijuana pipe' in conjunction with the photo you will only confuse the stoners). I don't begrudge a guy who has worked his entire life to reset record books some serious chillin' time after the mission is actually accomplished. However, if you saw any of the post-Olympic interviews you probably got the impression that Phelps may not have gone to college on an academic scholarship. The suspicion the lights may be a little dimmer in Michael's pool were confirmed when the $100 million merman apparently didn't mind that a camera was even in the room, let alone that a picture was taken as he ripped a hit. Dude, do what any self respecting icon with obligations and huge sums of money tied up in sponsors would do, smoke in the bathroom with nobody around. Only adding to the seemingly cosmic connectivity of this story and the porn clip in Tuscon is where Phelps was when the picture was taken, The University of South Carolina. Their mascot; The Gamecock.

Quixotic Is A Terrific Word

2009-01-28T16:56:00.000-08:00

As a quick follow up to my rantings on job hunting I came across this posting on craigslist looking for a copywriter. The ad was incredibly fun to read and I actually enjoyed replying to it. Turns out there are some people still looking to creatively qualify applicants and when I went to their website I was ecstatic at the lack of questionnaire. The posting read as follows:

AAAA Central Pennsylvania thinkbank needs another player on the team. Quixotic copywriter needed for take-no-prisoners, full-service thinkbank. Must be able to churn and burn long format and deliver dead-on conceptual work. You get: enough room to swing a cat, win glory, write for high level nationals and internationals, and all the java you can stomach. Send three and only three compelling samples, resume and salary history to jwebb@pavone.net. Pavone, a thinkbank.

My response was:

Dear Mr./Mrs./Ms. (In no particular order) Webb, I read your posting on craigslist and I am VERY interested in the position. I am looking for a new career and after reading your ad I am very excited about the prospect of having enough room to swing a cat. I have long arms for my build and generally require a good foot extra in feline wielding space. Beyond my predilection to cat swinging I feel I can bring the creativity under pressure the job would inherently necessitate. As my resume will indicate my sole qualification for this job is...I think I'm right for it. Creative writing and visual projects have been a hobby of mine for years. Once I pieced together a picture book during my last hour at work that made fun of everyone living in my small town. The picture book was a hit, even with those singled out and poked fun at for everything from their lack of teeth to public drug use. I have been encouraged by all those who have read my fiction, humor, and journalistic style venting to write full-time, perhaps even for a living. Should I write a book I would have at least a dozen copies sold within the first hour after release. At least a dozen. I will direct you to my two blogs, The Uncouragement and Golf Potato for examples of my writing. If nothing else it should provide you with a decent distraction from work and may lead to office jokes at my expense. As for compensation I typically haul in a pittance per year and my beautiful wife is in the medical field (Lancaster General Hospital) providing us with exceptional medical/dental so I have no need for any additional benefits. Thanks for your consideration and I hope to hear from you soon with either a yea or nay. Until then I'll put on a pot of coffee and warm up my cat arm.

I haven't heard back from them...and I won't. It was fun getting nowhere though.

Unnecessary

2009-01-28T09:46:00.000-08:00

Around New Years I was watching a special on CNBC about how the crack staff of financial figured out how the financial collapse of 2008 happened...after they reported it. The only person who came off as not being happy to be a part of such a disaster was Jim Cramer, the Nostradamus of Wall Street. Just prior to commercial breaks CNBC would have a CEO (of companies not responsible for opening the cap to a septic tank and placing our economy directly into it) use one word to define 2008. The summation words included "challenging", "difficult", "unprecedented", "monkey-taint", "fucktart", etc. Okay so they didn't use the f-bomb. Should I have been asked I would have said unnecessary. My choice would have been based not only on a description of the economic downfall but also the self descriptor I am developing while searching for employment in this job market. So we will explore what is most Uncouraging about finding a job in the jobless market.

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS?
So I have set out to find a job, not even a good job, any job. I try to remember that sometimes these things are journies we need to take. You could call this a journey only if you were a masochist. Imagine if Columbus set out to discover future tourism based economies and the Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria were canoes. It is not so much that I can't find a job that has made me feel unnecessary. I understand jobs are increasingly hard to come by and my search will be difficult. It is the lack of reply, yea or nay, that has me taking in additional stress and feeding it, bathing it, and clothing it. Am I taking the lack of reply too hard? Should I make peace with the fact that these employers are just not that into me? The answer is no. It is f'in rude to not reply to someone seeking employment. Even if their resume is a joke to you let the applicant know you got their crapsume and you aren't what they're looking for or you gave the job to someone else. No communication only makes me assume that I should have printed my resume and cover letter on Quilted Northern. Overqualified, underqualified, anything will do, just an answer. The probable reason, at least I hope (and it's sad that I hope this) is that the person who usually responds to employment applicants was laid off.

THE QUESTIONNAIRE
By my best guess 6 out of 10 of the jobs I have applied for require a questionnaire to be filled out. Granted some of the questionnaires were as simple as a few questions finding out if I had a reliable vehicle and could pass a drug test. The bulk of the questionnaires, however, warrant the arrest of whomever wrote them and those people whose answers red flagged their applications. I filled out a twenty-five page questionnaire for a job I wouldn't wish on a relocating Guantanamo Bay inmate. One might assume that the prospective employer is looking to find out quite a bit about you in 250 questions. One would assume incorrectly. Did they pluck randomly from Trivial Pursuit Totally 80's Edition cards? Nope. They used the same ten base questions per page repeated twenty-five times with slight word changes. To my surprise I found that although other companies had shorter questionnaires (not much shorter) the base questions and word changing ploy to confuse the reader and draw out a drug abuse or history of violence confession were consistent. That only makes me believe that people have failed at the questionnaire and not been given a job because of it. That anyone could screw up one of these things or be fooled by the wordsmith wizardry is so incredibly Uncouraging. This sequence showed up verbatim on a questionnaire I took recently:

Question 18. Before coming to work do you;
A. Use Marijuana and Methanphetomines
B. Use Crack Cocaine
C. Use Prescription Drugs that are not yours
D. Never use

Question 19. On your days off do you;
A. Use Marijuana and Methanphetomines
B. Use Prescription Drugs that aren't yours
C. Smoke Crack Cocaine
D. Never use

Question 20. To relieve stress at work do you;
A. Use Prescription drugs that are not yours
B. Smoke Crack Cocaine and Marijuana
C. Use Methanphetomines
D. Never use

That this string of questions continues with several different variations means that it the ploy has worked in getting a drug abuse answer out of an applicant. I think I understand Ted Kaczynski now. I may become the Questionnaire Bomber, seeking out all those who answered with anything other than D. I can only imagine someone being relieved because the questionnaire didn't put marijuana and prescription pills in the same answer. That these tests are seen as anything other than unnecessary means three things:
1. Illiteracy rates are much higher than one might think
2. Applicants are much higher than one might think
3. "I'm surrounded by idiots" is the most poignant statement of our time

JOB SEARCH FILTERING
The want ad has become the most depressing part of the job journey. Head hunters have become increasingly skilled at disguising the crapulence that is the occupation they offer. I am sure by now even the crack heads who answered (B) to Question 20 know to avoid the Outside Sales: $4,000,000+ first year potential ad or the Sell Crack from Home: We provide qualified leads you close the deal teaser. During my search, however, I did get suckered by a well written want ad. The add was for Verizon Inside Sales Reps needed for Fios launch in X County; base pay plus commission, benefits. I answered the ad and got a call back from HR setting up an interview. Even though I figured it to be a telecommunications based job, which suck, I thought getting in on a launch of such a well advertised service couldn't be too bad. As soon as I showed up at the interview address I applauded the ad writer. The dump of a building is home to a company that does door to door (you sell when you're Inside) selling of Fios on behalf of Verizon. The office looked like the Grinch had been there the night before leaving "only hooks and some wire." The main room was thick with fabricated ambition. I would come to find out the 'base pay' was a loosely provided $400. I say 'loosely' because it was training pay provided either over the first two weeks or first month. I say 'either' because the interviewer wasn't sure of which time frame the training pay was provided. I say 'wasn't sure' because there is no way in hell they give you the money, paultry a sum as it may be. Prior to my phony interview I took the liberty of a quick look at the sales board. This was a Wednesday and six of the seven man sales team had posted goose eggs for the previous two days. The interviewer then proceeds to tell me that his guys make three sales a day each. The thought running through my head the entire time was "his guys" probably failed a questionnaire or two before coming to work here.

Inaugrilescent

2009-01-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

As I watched the inauguration of our new president I was struck by a couple of things: The absurdity of Aretha Franklin’s hat: The massive crowds: And the tremendous speaking skills (minus one flub) of our new president. There was one thing, however, that was more awkward than pregnant pause in the oath of office. The unnecessary injection of the invocation delivered by Rick Warren. (Note - I will not refer to him as Dr. because you can't possibly be educated and a homophobe, or a Reverand for that matter) Now, as an atheist I’m always going to be slightly objectionable to the inclusion of God in any modern ceremony, especially when in the realm of government and politics with written rules against the combination of church and state. I found Warren’s services to be inappropriate. We only have to look at the past eight years and to a man who thought God was speaking directly to him to see the obvious need to separate the two. I’m not saying that religion got us into this mess, I'm just saying that it certainly will not get us out of it.
What I found most compelling about Barack Obama’s speech yesterday was that at no point during the speech did he ask for or invoke God’s help. Although almost out of sheer tradition he requested God’s blessing at the end of the speech, during the speech he requested the help of all citizens, regardless of religion, even the non-believers. No leaders should attempt to directly replicate the good deeds of another, however, in the style of speeches delivered by Abraham Lincoln our new president asked for our help and our work ethic in troubled times. President Obama recognizes that it is going to be our determination and self sacrifice that will create success not a reliance on God liking the United States best.
So Mr. Warren, I say with all due respect, take your God and shove it. The time for mankind’s faith in itself has come and the Uncouragement plans to answer the call.

10 For '09

2009-01-05T12:57:00.000-08:00

I was thinking of using 9 for '09 but that sounded a bit Wraithy and Lord (of the Rings) knows we don't need to invoke any more nasties after '08. Let's face it, 2008 couldn't have ended any sooner. I was watching a special on one of the cable news networks and they had CEOs selecting one word to describe the year. Surprisingly not a one of them used "Uncouraging". Odd. In any case we have the luxury of bidding ado to 2008 and wonder what will 2009 bring. The Uncouragement presents ten predictions for 2009.

1. Look for a dramatic increase in the number of racially mixed children being born. Thanks to folks like Tiger Woods, Derek Jeter, Halle Berry and the Prez-elect Barack Obama we now know what the winning formula is; forget a bun, you better have a marble cake in the oven.

2. In a bold move I will make a stock market prediction for 2009. It will go left to right. You thought I was going to use that tired up and down joke didn't you? Look, you'll probably have to suffer through at least six months of your holdings toggling between being worth jack and dick. If they hold strong at jack by the end of six months everything will be sorta better.

3. The forty year anniversary of the 'Summer of Love' will sadden old hippies everywhere as their teenage grandchildren steal their prescription pot.

4. Snoop Dogg and Ozzy Osbourne will release a wildly successful collaborative album called "Reality Dad". Song titles will include "Crazy Trizzle", "Gin and Massive Amounts of Drugs", "Bitch I'm Comin' Home" and "Oz Up, Hoes Down".

5. A real life Steve Nebraska (The Scout 1994) will be found in Sao Tome and Principe. The Yankees will offer him $4.1 billion over seven years, all guaranteed. A lifetime supply of Chicken McNuggets will serve as the signing bonus...turns out he's a Nuggnut.

6. Speech to text technology will be added to cellular phones allowing users to speak out their text messages before sending them. The ridiculousness of speaking a text message into a phone will be lost on almost everyone. Bluetooth and Speech to Text will ensure 'First Contact' will be avoided for another year as potential visitors will presume that humans are all talking to themselves.

7. With Bill Gates sort of out Microsoft will release the newest version of their operating system called Windows Glitch. The operating system will be based on a bit from The Simpsons in which Mr. Burns is found to have every disease known to man and they are getting in each others' way rendering them tenuously ineffective. Glitch will be marketed as being "indestructible".

8. A massive teacher strike will happen prior to then end of the '08-'09 school year. The explosive rage will be triggered by answers received to the essay question "Explain your position on Russia's invasion of Georgia". A large percentage of answers include initial concerns about family and friends that live in and around Atlanta and Savannah.

9. Due to popular demand and a little urging from President Obama the NCAA will finally create a football playoff system to determine the national champion. Ball State will be the only undefeated team in the country and still won't make the post season.

10. The 99% population tired of having their asses handed to them by the 1% will finally realize they have more than a slight advantage in numbers. Sadly the movement will stall when the unifying mass email will not be successfully delivered due to effective filtering. A crestfallen emoticon will mark the day in future calenders.

Money for Sale!

2008-12-23T05:50:00.000-08:00

With all of the billions of dollars floating around you'd think we wouldn't be in as bad a scenario as we are. With banks getting billions of our dollars in bailouts (to some that publicly said they didn't even want the money) and not having to tell anyone what they're doing with it, or even justify that position, it would seem as though the good times should still be rolling. Case in point, the two dollar bill. For the holiday season the Treasury released a limited two dollar bill with gold accents. Each gilt Jefferson will be proudly be protected and displayed in a pleather case with foggy resin plastic lining. As a reward for not doing anything wrong and getting screwed by those who did, the government would like to offer you the tax payer a set of four of these limited two dollar bills for the basement price of $48. That's right! For just $48, or four easy installments of $12, you too can have $8 in U.S. currency!

As someone who has worked with 22kt gold leaf, the very same that adorns these bills, I have an extra insight into how much the gilding adds to the Tommy J. One dollar at wholesale. A box of five hundred sheets of 22kt gold leaf goes for about $500. One sheet would get the job done on each bill so add a buck to the value. So after stealing our money and giving it to rich folks the government would like to sell you some currency at four times it's face value. I need to hide a Caganer in the Oval Office.

Holy Crap

2008-12-02T08:30:00.001-08:00

I am not a huge fan of Christmas. More specifically I can't stand what Christmas has become; a high pressure, credit busting, sale hunting, eBay gouging, employee killing consumer circus. Recently I was turned on to two Christmas traditions from the Catalan region of Spain that I can totally get behind. These are centuries old, therefore taken seriously and legit. The first is the hiding of the Caganer in nativity scene. Who is the Caganer? He is The Pooper. Yup, The Pooper. This cute little porcelain fellow has dropped trou and is defecating (defecation included) somewhere around the newborn son of God. Like a "Where's Waldo Taking a Dump?" kids try and find the little crapper as part of the holiday joy.

The second Catalan Christmas tradition of note also, oddly enough, has a poop theme. The Caga Tio, or Shit Log, is the equivalent of a yule log in big, big trouble. For starters the log has a face painted on it, human or animal. It is kept around ornamentally until the special day comes and it will be set ablaze. However, before reaching the flame that will be it's end the children beat the log mercilessly. Then when the innocent hunk of wood is deemed to have been thoroughly throttled it is tossed into the fire. As it burns the children chant songs requesting the log poop out presents for them. I can't make this stuff up.

Friday Bloody Friday

2008-11-29T10:39:00.000-08:00

A few years back I wrote a piece on the ridiculous annual occurence that is 'Black Friday'. In the article I jokingly projected that in a few years time the sale madness would lead to mid-evil style battles to the death between store employees and shoppers. Sadly it came true yesterday when a Long Island Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by shoppers who broke down the door and stampeded into the store. The truly sickening part was the reaction of the shoppers during the trampling and after the announcement of the death. First, not one single shopper tried to help the man being trampled and actually they injured other employees who were coming to his aid. Second, when the store announced they would be closing for a few hours because of the death the shopper reaction was near riotous. The shoppers were pissed?! To anyone at that store yesterday who participated in this madness and acted as though this employees' death was an inconvenience: Go F*ck Yourselves! I can only hope the items you killed to save on maim you in unexpected ways.

The United States of Arithmeca

2008-11-25T16:05:00.000-08:00

Here's a little numbers work for you. Gallup.com reported that the average poll puts Duhbya's approval rating at 29%. This is deplorable to be sure but the real question is why is the glass even 1/3 full? The United States is populated by just over 305.7 million people. Now to be fair 169 million* are registered voters and should be the control group for this kind of polling. If the numbers are correct that means of the people who should be at least somewhat in the know, a touch more than 49 million of them approve of the job George W. Bush has done. I'll spell it out; forty-nine million! Who the hell are these people? It frightens me to think there are almost 50,000,000 absolute knuckleheads that call the same soil I do home. How can you possibly approve of the unkept undercarriage that has been this administration? Here's another sickening figure; one month ago the approval rating was 25%. Using the same 169 million registered voters we are looking at 42.25 million people that approved last month. That means during the time the Republican Party was given the finger by voters (namely because George made Republican a bad word) and the economy spiraled further down the toilet, 6.75 million people changed their minds and now approve. Want to know why we look like idiots to the rest of the world? Do the math.

*Note - Of the 225 million potential voters 169 million registered and about 122 million voted this year. That makes 75% of potential voters cared enough to register and only 75% of them actually voted in this "historic" election.

Worst Ever? No Question.

2008-11-21T21:05:00.000-08:00

The question really began to be asked repeatedly two years ago. Having the question asked while still in office and half a term to go is damning enough. Certainly having so many scholars of the subject weighing in now implies there is no doubt history will find W. at the shallow end of the Presidential pool. But is he the worst? Yup, and I’m going to tell you why.

Point 1: Activism

We begin with what really has defined a ‘worst’ President up to this point according to U.S. News and World Report; activism, or lack there of to be more specific. Jay Tolson of USN&WR, commenting on the study he did into the worst Presidents in history, said “most of the failed presidencies were marked by a lack of activism.” Up to this point Harding was probably the prime culprit in doing nothing, but we’ll address him later. Two other less than active Presidents consistently voted to the bottom are James Buchanan and Andrew Johnson. These two bums bookend the Civil War and arguably the most remarkable of all Presidents in Lincoln. Both had their fates sealed by the Civil War, Buchanan for using the Constitution as a shield and allowing the South to secede and Johnson for making a mess of Reconstruction and seemingly doing everything in his power to make sure former slaves received no rights. What makes Bush so uniquely terrible is that unlike Buchanan or Johnson, Bush was actually quite active, when he was around. Duhbya (as I will refer to him many, many more times) was handed a fervently unified nation via the 9/11 tragedy. He went on vacation, ignored a memo or two and came back to a country that was as pro-America as it had been since the Cold War. Bush, acting as best he could, declared a “War on Terror”. This was about as useful as declaring a “War on Anger”, or a “War on Drugs”(oops, we did that didn’t we). Nevertheless, with our fists in the air and “USA!” being chanted across the country Bush set out to get the "evil-doers"in Afghanistan, Iraq. Afghanistan is in Iraq right? Duhbya was so successful in his war activism that he was able to declare ‘Mission Accomplished’ on May 1, 2003, less than two months after it began. Wow, that is some stellar work George! One problem; it’s November 21, 2008 and “major operations” persist. By the time 2004 rolled around Duh-bya had created a different kind of civil war, the election (But we’ll delve into elections later). The first four years of the Bush administration had seen unification fall into their laps and it took less than three years to kill it. The truly stunning part about this division was the central issue causing the rift was Bush. People were fighting over Bush! It wasn’t pro-Kerry versus pro-Bush, it was pro-Bush versus anti-Bush. Through his own activism, Duhbya materialized as his own national partition. Activism and a resulting divide certainly gives Bush a leg up on the competition.

Point 2: War

There is probably no single common determining factor as significant to the success or failure of a presidency as war. Look at almost any list of the best and worst and you will find a war somewhere in the neighborhood of their tenures. Washington, for example, was so popular after the Revolutionary War that he was voted in unanimously. Lincoln is an icon thanks to his handling of the Civil War. A saving grace keeping Nixon from the very bottom is that slowly, but surely he took us out of Vietnam when LBJ could not. Looking at the very bottom of the barrel of any list of the worst Presidents you will usually find a handful that played a role in the beginning or aftermath of the Civil War; the aforementioned Buchanan and Andrew Johnson along with Pierce, Tyler, Fillmore and even Grant. What makes Duhbya’s time in office so remarkably bad is that he has presided over and failed in two actual wars and one war of perception – The War on Terror - all at the same time. Even more incredible is that Bush essentially re-wrote the rulebook in order to start the war he wanted and still failed. The Bush Doctrine allowed for the invasion of any nation that either ideologically dislikes democracy or happens to harbor anyone that dislikes democracy. Somewhere amidst the cobwebs in the Crawford Kid’s brain he decided preventing war was possible through war (I just got nauseous writing that). Must have been something he learned in the Texas Air National Guard. As of right now the United States is seven years into the War on Terror/Get Lucky and Find Osama and five years plus in Iraq. So far we have lost thousands of soldiers, killed and wrongfully held hundreds of thousands of civilians, spent hundreds of billions of dollars and…well that’s pretty much it. Waging two wars that have no real end in sight, spanning both of his terms earns Duhbya the worst war President bid.

Point 3: Scandal and Corruption

All right so who are we kidding? Corruption and politics get the class superlative for “Best Friends”. They are inseparable to say the least and no presidency has gone by without at least a little bit of it. As for the kings of fraud and sleaze we have more than a few. As far as administrations go those most shrouded in corruption and scandal are typically Nixon, Harding, Grant, Clinton and our boy Duh-bya. Harding is probably the granddaddy of them all because the corruption and scandals surrounding him were both personal and political. Harding basically played poker and slept with women not named Mrs. Harding while his appointed officials committed about every political crime in the book. Grant, although not terribly corrupt himself, sat back and let his buddies exploit the power he gave them. Nixon, of course, had Watergate and Clinton, of course, had an intern. We should not overlook John Q. Adams and the “Corrupt Bargain”. This election scandal put Adams in office, despite losing the popular vote, in exchange for Henry Clay (second runner-up) being named Secretary of State (at the time considered the last step before becoming President). Especially uncouraging about the Bush administration is not only the amount of corruption but also how many times they got caught. From the very get go the scandal that was the 2000 election should have warned us this guy was not who we wanted running the show. I firmly believe at least the Florida election was rigged and if you don’t buy it check out HBO’s Hacking Democracy. I don’t care who you are you can’t explain away a Florida county reporting -16,000 votes for Gore. The only explanation is that the Bush folk misjudged the number of votes they thought Gore would get when they fudged the memory cards prior to the voting. From there the fun and games continued right in the public’s face; Iraq as a pre-determined agenda point, invisible WMDs, Halliburton, stealing Ohio in 2004, Katrina and FEMA, The Patriot Act, etc. Speaking to the 9/11 Commission only behind closed doors and editing out whatever he chose was a particularly sleazy move as well. Over and over and over these things popped up in real time, they couldn’t hide it. A sad commentary to be sure, but truth be told the Bush administration was so bad it even sucked at being corrupt.

Point 4: Qualifications and Perspective

Well if English is a qualification than Bush is a no brainer, almost literally. Who is actually the least qualified is hard to determine. Taylor pretty much wanted nothing to do with the Presidency and appeared the least presidential. H ended up accepting the nomination and won. Taylor's early demise shorts our ability to judge if he was actually worthy of the office. Harding again comes into the mix as a frontrunner in this category. His being in the lead is mostly because he openly admitted he was not qualified to be President and shouldn’t have run in the first place. Like Harding, Bush had no business running for President and did so anyway. Unlike Harding, Bush will never admit he had no business being President because he thinks God selected him for the job. By the way George, feeling that the Almighty is speaking directly through you is not a qualification to be President either. What makes George the least qualified is that he never excelled at anything. Sure he went to Yale and Harvard, but that is only to say he went. His business ventures failed, he never brought his baseball team anywhere, etc. Oddly enough it is Bush’s transparent ineptitude that has been his only constant.

As for perspective Duhbya is an easy worst. His perspective has been the same since he entered the office, his own. He has been unwilling to listen to anyone else feeling he has been doing the right thing all along. His inability to recognize his misguidance of the nation and more importantly the lack of owning up to it should be the stain that soils his legacy. To be that ineffective for eight years and yet continually think you are on the right track shows a level of incompetence unmatched in Presidential history.

Point 5: Crisis Management

Crises are really the ultimate test of any President. Handle them well and you’re destined for greatness i.e. Lincoln and FDR. Handle them poorly and you will find yourself at the bottom. Carter usually ends up towards the bottom because of the hostage crisis. Although ultimately it was his efforts that brought the hostages home safely it was too late and his fate was sealed. Hoover was an economy wiz kid that presided over the beginning of the Great Depression and had no way out. Bush had his first handling of a crisis filmed. When told we were under attack he sat for ten minutes in front of a room of grade school kids. Just sat there. He then sorta went after the “evil-doers” and as previously pointed out the head honcho is still out there. Then Katrina hit and our fearless leader headed to the scene to assess the damage…three days later. The benchmark failure of the Katrina disaster as it concerns Bush is that once again he was just sitting there when his under-qualified FEMA guy told him this was going to be huge. He just sat there. Bush should also be given credit for helping create our current financial crisis. When people who knew what they were doing used crazy words like recession and market instability Duhbya did the same thing, just sat there. He assured us that despite what experts may think “the economy is strong”…and then it collapsed. Good call. Poorly handle a terrorist attack plus have a hand in a financial meltdown plus being absent for a national disaster equals –drum roll- worst ever!

The Final Uncouragement

George W. Bush. To even type the name turns a small knot in my stomach. He is, quite frankly, the greatest embarrassment of a President we have ever had. Say what you will about Nixon, Clinton, and a handful of others, but no single leader made the United States look so much the fool as Duhbya. How dumb were we as a nation to vote him in eight years ago? Well to be fair we didn’t. However, that the second vote was even close and actually went his way made us look like idiots on a global scale. In any case this was our elected our leader, our key decision maker…and it was nauseating. The only comment I will accept from George on his way out would be “Sorry about all the mess folks, I really sucked at that.” Truth is he shouldn’t be given the time to speak, just kicked out the door. So there you go George, you are the first worst. Kinda like the sound a that, don’tcha?

The Lighter Side Of The Worst

2008-11-21T21:00:00.000-08:00

Midnight Run

2008-11-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

With two months to go Duh-bya is beginning to exploit his right to 'Midnight Regulations'. This pesky little loophole allows for an exiting President to pass just about anything they want and the incoming leader will be able to do almost nothing about it. Like leaving the money on the table these 'midnight regulations' help service interest groups that are particularly special to the guy on his way out the door. With an approval rating that looks like he was asleep for eight years don't you think we could revoke this kind of right of passage in George's case? I had a chance to peruse Bush's list of last second pot shots at the American public. My favorite 'combo platter' combines regulations allowing for more pollution of the air and water and less access to aid for medical/family leave. So the odds of getting sick from environmental contamination will increase while the odds of being able to get any medical help will decrease. Don't drink the water kids. For look at all the midnight regulations ready to go check out http://www.propublica.org/special/midnight-regulations for all the uncouragement you can handle.

The McCain Legacy

2008-11-08T19:59:00.001-08:00

John McCain may be the worst thing that happened to John McCain this century. It started in 2000 when 'The Maverick' campaigned so poorly he lost the Republican nomination to a guy who seemingly uses English as a second language (W's first language being Jibbenglish). Thanks to McCain's failure the American people have been subjected to two stolen elections and eight years of, well let's just call it National Poop. By 2006 Duuuhhh-bya had made such a mess that the Democrats couldn't help but seize control of the House and Senate. This lead to two years of a lame duck in the White House and a flock of lame ducks in Congress butting heads like lame Duuuuhhhcks do. By the time 2008 rolled around McCain had been beating himself for eight years. Say what you will about the economic crash doing him in, I don't buy it, I can't afford it. We were already in a recession despite what the former owner of the Texas Rangers said. The bottom was going to fall out and if anything the crash was appropriately timed.

During his concession speech Johnny Maverick admitted that the failing of his presidential run was his own. I can only hope he understands that it was his failing eight years ago that lead to this current one. Oh, and thanks for introducing the world to Sarah Palin, one more headache I'm sure isn't going away anytime soon.

And with the first pick...

2008-11-05T12:26:00.000-08:00

Last night we the people elected Barack Obama as the next President of the United States. While I voted for Obama and think he was the most promising of the two major candidates I have to put a little perspective on the moment. This felt very much like watching the first pick in a sports draft. The first pick is always someone with incredible talent, skills and promise...lots and lots of promise(s). Keep in mind though that it is the team with the worst record that picks first. Obama has the talent, has the skills and has the promise. Now he is charged with leading a once proud but failing franchise back to the promised land. We are most certainly in a rebuilding year and made our pick to help speed the process along. We must, however, realize that a rebuilding year usually turns into rebuilding years. Although last night's election was historic it did not make the career of the President-Elect. Nobody gets into the Hall of Fame by being the #1 pick. We've only handed you the ball Mr. Obama, now show us what you've got.